starlog

The Shape Of Things To Come | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Little known made-up fact-less truth: Roland Emmerich — the guy who directed almost-extinction-level event movies like Independence Day (1996), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), and city-levelling films like Godzilla (1998) — originally wanted to be a cartoonist.

Circa 1990-ish, Roland fedExxed a bunch of sci-fi cartoon ideas to Starlog Magazine. In New York.
6-to-8 weeks later, Roland’s cartoonist dreams were crushed after learning the Starlog editor (in New York!) rejected ALL his cartoon submissions.

Since then, let us assume Roland has a maddenning obsession to see New York burnt to the ground as we continually witness superimposed movie extras in Times Square paying the price for his vengeance.

Easter Eggs: the film/TV posters in the background will inspire now-failed cartoonist Roland Emmerich in his soon-to-be films — “War Of The Worlds” (1953) inspires “Independence Day (1996); “Godzilla: King Of The Monsters” (1954) inspires “Godzilla” (1998); “The Earth Day Special” (TV - 1990) inspires “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004).

Although this toon was not published and technically not a member of Starlog Magazine's Cartoon Archive, this never-before-seen toon was recently inked up based on a patently stupid gag idea (see rough at right) that's hid in a drawer since 2004 after respectfully turned down by Starlog’s almighty editor (possible reasons: it wasn’t funny; too close to 9/11; it wasn’t funny… take your pick).

Thankfully, I’m not the vengeful type… I just mope and eat compulsively.

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"I'm Grumpy Vader And I Approve This Message" | Stardate #001

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A quick thumbs up! Grumpy Vader doodle after hearing the news my ol' Starlog magazine editor is gonna start up a new sci-fi/fantasy PRINTED magazine titled "Stardate."

It sounds like most-to-all past Starlog contributors will be onboard this new venture - this'll include cartoonists (yay!).

Estimated newsstand delivery date: late 2022.

In the meantime, to get back into sci-fi/fantasy headspace, I gotta catch up on all that has been going on in that genre — at the very least, glean whatever I can from the Google.

Who Knew "Ayers Rock" Would Be So Difficult To Spell? | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Due to unpopular demand - and because I got nuthin' better to do right now - here's yet another gag exhumed after a recent dumpster dive into the Starlog cartoon repository.

Originally published in 1999 - issue #265, pg.18

As Mr. Lucas was adding smears of discarded doggy-doo-doo all over the final print of The Phantom Menace, around late 1998 he announced the remainder of the Star Wars prequels would be filmed in Sydney.

Couple that with a feeble satire of Meryl Streep's haunting line from "A Cry In The Dark"* and you have yourself a published toon, my friend!

* Come to think of it, when drafting the idea out as a rough sketch, I clearly remember "hearing" Seinfeld's Elaine character parodying Streep in a god-awful attempt at an Australian accent: click here to watch.

Fun Trivia Bit

Because I was/am an atrocious speller, I submitted the rough idea to Sir David McDonnell, Esq. and, from his office 10,353 miles away, informed me I'd incorrectly spelt the words on the sign that now reads "AYERS ROCK" -- I phonetically spelt it as "AIRES ROCK".

The Matrix Bullet Time Limbo | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Published in 2000 - special millennium issue #271, pg.4 - examines the agile flexibility required for ammo-infused party games in The Matrix.

Oh, By The Way...

I rewrote the gag line that appears at the bottom of this toon as I never warmed up to the one I originally did (and subsequently got published) - it felt needlessly tacked on and was only there to serve as a reference point to the original Matrix film.

To see the original (why would you?) click here.

For Anakin's Next Trick, He Will Turn Himself Into A Bat! BLAUGH! | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

While I'm in the mood of bothering everyone with tired old Phantom Menace cartoons…

… here's another from 1999 (Starlog magazine #267 pg.94) parodying one of the film's teaser posters featuring young asshat Anakin casting a shadow of Grumpy Darth Vader, with cues from Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992).

Watto's Gone Quackers | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

For me, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was one of the all-time inspirational movies of 1999.

"Inspirational" in terms of how gut-wrenchingly BAD it was that I managed to conjure up so many gags in the aftermath of the film's 1st screening - for which I literally ran out of the theater to as soon as the end credits rolled up in the likely event I was to hurl - and get published in Starlog magazine.

This one, published in '99 - issue #268, pg.22 - pokes fun at Lucasfilm's ultimate bad movie from 1986, Howard, The Duck.

Psst! Guess What?

To this day, I've never been able to sit through the entire Howard movie - in all, I may have only seen 20 minutes total.

It's hard to believe, but... I do have my dignity.

Update (November 4, 2021):

I was recently labelled as "ignorant" in response to a cartoon I did years ago ridiculing Howard The Duck and its lousiness.

Ignorant, am I?!

Well… that may be true.

So, to further antagonize those fowl masses, I'm wearing a headdress made entirely of torn-out Howard The Duck comic covers.

The fact that there are "Howard, The Duck" movie defenders out there surprises me most of all!!

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Buck A Duck! A Random Twiki Doodle | Scribble-Dee-Doo-Dahs #044

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Somebody blasted a “Buck Rogers In The 25th Century” publicity photo (circa late ‘70s) into my Facebook feed and… well… I had nothing to do, so my mind went to a moronic place:

Doodled for an audience of one: me!

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More Mindless Mess | Scribble-Dee-Doo-Dahs #007

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Yet another Scribble-dee-doo-dah Day.

Clockwise, from top-left: space cadets foot patrolling it on an untamed alien surface; drew this while watching Trump at his N.J. Bedminster golf course as he declared - yet again - "the virus will disappear" in front of a supportive covid-19-ignorant rich bastard audience (golf clubs/bags represents said audience); Don Vader "enlightens" Capt. Needa the need to be less incompetent; and our space cadets run into some trouble with marauding space mollusks.

Maul Ain't No Shusher | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

It's time for another episode of…

Poor Quality Scan Time!

In tonight's installment, we find mega-tattooed villain Darth Maul at The Phantom Menace's theatrical premiere. Unfortunately for the patron in front, Maul has no qualms about making him aware he’s obstructing his view!

Featured in Starlog Magazine #276 (c.2000), I recently rediscovered this gag's existence after a brief visit to archive.org.

Hmmm... this may've been an accidental goof, but, the poor decapitated popcorn-lovin' patron depicted in the gag has an uncanny resemblance to Starlog's editor, David McDonnell.

Tonight on Buck Rogers : Twiki vs The Tamagotchi!

Remember that Tamagotchi fad decades ago? Anyone? Well, as Twiki quickly discovered, those things became exceedingly annoying pretty quickly!

An ol' gag of mine, originally published in Starlog #255 (20+yrs ago) in b/w, but recently colored here for your viewing.

Penned as my first published pseudonym “Big Bad Bubba” - c.1998 - back before changing to ”Bort”.

Wake Up That Force, For Pete's Sake! | "The Force Awakens" Pre-Release Gags

Back in 2012, upon hearing Mr. Lucas sold his company off to Disney Inc. - and the later news J.J. Abrams spearheading a continuation of the Star Wars saga - my initial thoughts were:

  • Why? Surely Mr. Lucas doesn’t need MORE money, no?

  • Will Disney Inc. leave Mr. Lucas’ “Star Wars” legacy untouched?

  • Abrams is a capable storyteller. I mean, look at the unbelievably great treatment he did reimagining the “Star Trek” universe! How could anyone of that stature - and a true “Star Wars” fan, mind you - ever, EVER go wrong?

Well, in this humble doodling hack’s opinion, HE DID! So horribly, awfully WROOOOOONG!!!

However, in the innocent speculative year prior to “The Force Awakens”’ release, I was damn excited.

Abrams’ 2009 “Star Trek” and the one after that were awesome!

His produced ABC’s “Lost” series was frickin’ brilliant! And, yes, that even applies to the final episode (a lot of people sincerely disagree with me, but they’re stupid poo-poo heads).

Aaaaanyway, I’m going way off the grid with this post…. let me steer back into the lane….

…. so, when it was announced the next “Star Wars” film’s title would be “The Force Awakens”, my Starlogesque-cartoonist brain started churning (for the first time since 2009) and ***BOOM!*** I sketched-up and facebook-posted this lovely piece of Starloggy gaggery:

Signed as “Big Bad Bubba Junior” - an amended callout to my 1st actual Starlog Magazine pseudonym (“Big Bad Bubba”).

Months later, there were rumors of the film’s production being delayed that could’ve pushed out the release date (it wasn’t true because… the internet!)… so I gave birth to another squishy gag:

Sidenote: 2015 came. The movie had just come out. I got my “The Force Awakens” tickets a week after general release (the waiting list was long, I remember). I got a primo seat. The theater darkened. I read the “Star Wars” intro crawl and …

… and…

…. well, I won’t lie to you…. HATED IT! The plotline was nothing grand, the characters’ motivation were idiotic & annoying, the pacing was irritatingly simple-minded… sooooo, I walked out ¾ the way through. My only regret was:

I wish I’d walked out way sooner!!!

Marvin's Planetary Brain | Another HHG2G toon

To quote wikipedia’s entry on Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’s Marvin, The Paranoid Android:

Marvin is afflicted with severe depression and boredom, in part because he has a "brain the size of a planet" which he is seldom, if ever, given the chance to use.

Thank goodness the 2005 film version of Marvin had a spherical head, perfect for some kind of planet gag!

Penned as “big Bad Bubba” - c.2005 - back before changing to ”Bort”.