Starlogesque

The Shape Of Things To Come | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Little known made-up fact-less truth: Roland Emmerich — the guy who directed almost-extinction-level event movies like Independence Day (1996), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), and city-levelling films like Godzilla (1998) — originally wanted to be a cartoonist.

Circa 1990-ish, Roland fedExxed a bunch of sci-fi cartoon ideas to Starlog Magazine. In New York.
6-to-8 weeks later, Roland’s cartoonist dreams were crushed after learning the Starlog editor (in New York!) rejected ALL his cartoon submissions.

Since then, let us assume Roland has a maddenning obsession to see New York burnt to the ground as we continually witness superimposed movie extras in Times Square paying the price for his vengeance.

Easter Eggs: the film/TV posters in the background will inspire now-failed cartoonist Roland Emmerich in his soon-to-be films — “War Of The Worlds” (1953) inspires “Independence Day (1996); “Godzilla: King Of The Monsters” (1954) inspires “Godzilla” (1998); “The Earth Day Special” (TV - 1990) inspires “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004).

Although this toon was not published and technically not a member of Starlog Magazine's Cartoon Archive, this never-before-seen toon was recently inked up based on a patently stupid gag idea (see rough at right) that's hid in a drawer since 2004 after respectfully turned down by Starlog’s almighty editor (possible reasons: it wasn’t funny; too close to 9/11; it wasn’t funny… take your pick).

Thankfully, I’m not the vengeful type… I just mope and eat compulsively.

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"I'm Grumpy Vader And I Approve This Message" | Stardate #001

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A quick thumbs up! Grumpy Vader doodle after hearing the news my ol' Starlog magazine editor is gonna start up a new sci-fi/fantasy PRINTED magazine titled "Stardate."

It sounds like most-to-all past Starlog contributors will be onboard this new venture - this'll include cartoonists (yay!).

Estimated newsstand delivery date: late 2022.

In the meantime, to get back into sci-fi/fantasy headspace, I gotta catch up on all that has been going on in that genre — at the very least, glean whatever I can from the Google.

Nobody Respects The Value Of A Flying Household Cleaning Utility In The Empire More Than Trooper Potter | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

To avoid further ridicule, Trooper Potter fails to disclose he also traded his blaster for a "magical" stick.

From the Starlog Toon Archives (Issue 306, Jan. 2003).

Who Knew "Ayers Rock" Would Be So Difficult To Spell? | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Due to unpopular demand - and because I got nuthin' better to do right now - here's yet another gag exhumed after a recent dumpster dive into the Starlog cartoon repository.

Originally published in 1999 - issue #265, pg.18

As Mr. Lucas was adding smears of discarded doggy-doo-doo all over the final print of The Phantom Menace, around late 1998 he announced the remainder of the Star Wars prequels would be filmed in Sydney.

Couple that with a feeble satire of Meryl Streep's haunting line from "A Cry In The Dark"* and you have yourself a published toon, my friend!

* Come to think of it, when drafting the idea out as a rough sketch, I clearly remember "hearing" Seinfeld's Elaine character parodying Streep in a god-awful attempt at an Australian accent: click here to watch.

Fun Trivia Bit

Because I was/am an atrocious speller, I submitted the rough idea to Sir David McDonnell, Esq. and, from his office 10,353 miles away, informed me I'd incorrectly spelt the words on the sign that now reads "AYERS ROCK" -- I phonetically spelt it as "AIRES ROCK".

The Matrix Bullet Time Limbo | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Published in 2000 - special millennium issue #271, pg.4 - examines the agile flexibility required for ammo-infused party games in The Matrix.

Oh, By The Way...

I rewrote the gag line that appears at the bottom of this toon as I never warmed up to the one I originally did (and subsequently got published) - it felt needlessly tacked on and was only there to serve as a reference point to the original Matrix film.

To see the original (why would you?) click here.

For Anakin's Next Trick, He Will Turn Himself Into A Bat! BLAUGH! | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

While I'm in the mood of bothering everyone with tired old Phantom Menace cartoons…

… here's another from 1999 (Starlog magazine #267 pg.94) parodying one of the film's teaser posters featuring young asshat Anakin casting a shadow of Grumpy Darth Vader, with cues from Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992).

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Tonight At Chuckle, The Hutt | Scribble-Dee-Doo-Dahs #058

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This laughin’ out loud Chewbacca bust is a full-on scaled-up version of a Post-it Note doodle that’s been stuck to my iMac at work for almost 4 years.

And if you don’t what this piece of garbage is referencing, here’s a clue.

Watto's Gone Quackers | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

For me, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was one of the all-time inspirational movies of 1999.

"Inspirational" in terms of how gut-wrenchingly BAD it was that I managed to conjure up so many gags in the aftermath of the film's 1st screening - for which I literally ran out of the theater to as soon as the end credits rolled up in the likely event I was to hurl - and get published in Starlog magazine.

This one, published in '99 - issue #268, pg.22 - pokes fun at Lucasfilm's ultimate bad movie from 1986, Howard, The Duck.

Psst! Guess What?

To this day, I've never been able to sit through the entire Howard movie - in all, I may have only seen 20 minutes total.

It's hard to believe, but... I do have my dignity.

Update (November 4, 2021):

I was recently labelled as "ignorant" in response to a cartoon I did years ago ridiculing Howard The Duck and its lousiness.

Ignorant, am I?!

Well… that may be true.

So, to further antagonize those fowl masses, I'm wearing a headdress made entirely of torn-out Howard The Duck comic covers.

The fact that there are "Howard, The Duck" movie defenders out there surprises me most of all!!

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Buck A Duck! A Random Twiki Doodle | Scribble-Dee-Doo-Dahs #044

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Somebody blasted a “Buck Rogers In The 25th Century” publicity photo (circa late ‘70s) into my Facebook feed and… well… I had nothing to do, so my mind went to a moronic place:

Doodled for an audience of one: me!

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More Mindless Mess | Scribble-Dee-Doo-Dahs #007

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Yet another Scribble-dee-doo-dah Day.

Clockwise, from top-left: space cadets foot patrolling it on an untamed alien surface; drew this while watching Trump at his N.J. Bedminster golf course as he declared - yet again - "the virus will disappear" in front of a supportive covid-19-ignorant rich bastard audience (golf clubs/bags represents said audience); Don Vader "enlightens" Capt. Needa the need to be less incompetent; and our space cadets run into some trouble with marauding space mollusks.

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A Different Point Of View | From The BortyBlog Archives

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A collection of limited-run toons I did (circa 2006) for "A Different Point Of View".

"ADPOV" was a series of audio essays - featured on FarPoint Media Network’s Wingin' It podcast - about the Star Wars Universe as seen through the eyes of hard-working sandtrooper, TD-0013.

These essays are available on Apple iTunes. Also available to play online here.

As a fan, I emailed half-a-dozen ADPOV-themed gags, titled "TeeDee" (the first two letters in the character's I.D. number) to ADPOV's creator... he liked 'em! He blogged 'em.

It also helped having some street-cred, of sorts, in terms of being a (then) currently published cartoonist in the (then) most well-known sci-fi media magazine around.

All 26 toons, including some extra stuff (featured below), were published on ADPOV's own blog from late-2006 to 2008.

And here are the EXTRAS I promised earlier (with captioned explanations):

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Good Ol' Boys & Daisy#1 & Daisy#2 & Daisy#3

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First, HBO announced “Gone With The Wind” would be shelved in response to current “public outrage” over confederacy and slavery aspects of the film. And as race relations upheaval and debate transpire all over the US, it won’t be long before other films and syndicated TV titles get mothballed as a result.

Well, looks like them Duke boys have found a way ‘round broadcast censorship vis-á-vis the confederate flag atop of the Charger.

Flagrantly False Fun fact: The folks of Hazzard County were ignorantly unaware Uncle Jesse was a pioneer in genetic engineering; yet, mentioned in hushed tones around town were rumors of his early experimentations with inbreeding, but let’s table that abhorrent chatter for another time (or never).

And, for those degenerate “fancies cartoon cloned women” freaks out there, I present to you the Daisies: